


Secrets

by AliceSchuyler



Series: Keeping It Together [7]
Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: M/M, Songfic, Thoughts of Suicide, Whump, mentions of rape/assault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:27:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29184756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceSchuyler/pseuds/AliceSchuyler
Summary: TK's last thoughts were of Carlos, before he blacked out.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Series: Keeping It Together [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2132163
Comments: 23
Kudos: 103





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on the song Secrets by We Three, and is different from my usual fic. It’s basically TK’s thoughts intertwined with the song. Supermassive trigger warning for self harm/suicide etc. Lyrics are in regular text, thoughts etc are in italics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on this song - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yiszH8bUhc

I'm over it, my minds running and I'm running outta control of it

_He’d replayed the night in his head, over and over again. How could he have been so mistaken?_

I feel alone, when my friends are home and they notice it

_Did they though? He’d only had one friend when he’d started dating Alex, and he’d abandoned her as he lost himself in the relationship._

Don't tell em though cause nobody knows that I struggle with hurtin' my left wrist

_He couldn’t tell anyone. He didn’t want to admit that he was weak, a failure, just like he’d felt when he was younger._

Look I'm scared of it, so I'm wearing shirts that really don't look good, but they cover it

_He’d lost his style, choosing bland grayscale instead of the vibrant colours and prints he used to seek out. He wanted to blend in, not stand out._

Got a grey Nike that doesn't let them see that I'm staining it

_The scars on his wrist were a tally, for all the times he’d failed Alex. Failed himself._

It's on the inner left side just below the number five cause it hides a bit, keeps it secret

_He hated keeping secrets._

I'll tell you my secrets if you tell me yours. Nobody believe us, no not anymore

_He couldn’t tell anyone anymore, he was in so deep._

Cause I should be feeling pretty, but I only feel alone.

_Alone was an understatement. He felt like the world was crushing him, determined to extinguish his light._

Got tons of people with me, but they're only on my phone

_Not one of his Facebook friends had responded to his cries for help. Maybe he’d been mistaken, maybe he was just being a drama queen. Alex always said he was._

So tell me what you're thinking about when eyes are closed, and lights are down are you thinking about what's underneath your sleeves?

_He couldn’t show anyone what was underneath, the fear of an emotional dam breaking and being unable to pull himself together._

When I should be feeling pretty, but here's what's underneath

_He didn’t feel anything much anymore, the anxiety overruling everything._

My bodies tired, my soul's outta breath there's nothin' left, just a liar

_He doesn’t know if he wants to fight anymore. If he wants to keep lying to everyone, his Dad, Judd, his new family._

My skin is nothing, but a canvas when I can't get no higher

_He’d started self-harming when the drugs didn’t affect him like they used to, didn’t send him as high as he liked._

My secrets pull me down, amplify the sound, like choir

_He doesn’t think he can keep this secret anymore, keep the blood from staining his clothes, his emotions from bleeding into his life._

I smoke and then I can't get down, I'm 6 feet off the ground

_This didn’t feel right anymore. The cuts didn’t bring the same euphoria they used to in New York._

I feel a lot when I'm not feeling and I know I'll probably let you down

_He’d made a mistake._

If I smile upside down, hey look, I'm almost at the ceiling

_He dialed the one person he knew he could call._

Guess I should be feeling pretty, but I only feel alone

_The one who promised he’d be there for him, as a friend, boyfriend, just someone to listen to him. To save him from himself._

Everybody thinks they know me, but I know they really don't

_“Dispatch, this is Officer Reyes. I need an EMS unit dispatched to my location immediately!”_


	2. Chapter 2

Blood crusted on his hand, in the creases, under his fingernails, a smear across his cheek where he’d swiped away hot, angry tears. His hands shook where he leaned over his knees, stomach roiling, head full of heavy thoughts and general panic in his lungs.

_I don’t understand how I missed this._

A warm hand on his shoulder made him jump, and he looked up into the caring eyes of Owen Strand.

“Son, you did what you could,” said Owen, voice thick. 

“Why didn’t he tell me he was struggling?” asked Carlos. 

“I don’t think he even knew he was struggling until it was too late. Ever since Alex, TK has struggled to open up to anyone, to know he can talk to someone rather than bottling it up and keeping it a secret. I think Alex did a lot more damage than what we know about, or what TK has told us. You can’t just bottle things up like that, it’s eventually going to come out somehow. I just didn’t know that today’s call would be the thing to push him over the edge,” answered Owen. Carlos felt his stomach churn at the thought of TK actually dying, and he stood up abruptly. 

“’m gonna be sick,” he blurted. He darted into the nearest bathroom, pushing open the door to the stall, Owen hot on his heels, rubbing Carlos’ back as his dropped to his knees and his stomach revolted. Owen soothed him before pulling out his phone, dialling a number he hadn’t used in a while. 

“Michelle? It’s Owen. Could you drop by Carlos’ house, pick up a change of clothes for him and bring them to the hospital? We can explain when you get here.” Own hung up as Carlos coughed up his guts, tears and snot sliding down his face, making him feel worse. After a few moments he tried to recompose himself, to pull himself back together. Owen handed him a small towel so he could wipe down his hands and face, clean himself up a bit. He finally noticed the blood on his uniform, panicking at the sight, anxiety ratcheting higher. Owen made quick work of unbuttoning his shirt and pulling it off him, before laying his hands on his shoulders.

“Carlos. You did everything you could, that’s why he’s in surgery getting the best possible care. You saved him. Because of you, he’s going to live.” Carlos broke down, and Owen pulled his future son-in-law into his embrace, soothing him as best he could. His phone jangled in his pocket, and he pulled it out, answering it and murmuring some directions to Michelle. A few moment later, she was pushing open the restroom door, taking in the scene in front of her. She wordlessly pulled Carlos close, apologising under her breath, before pulling away. 

“You should get changed, cleaned up. I’ll go get coffees for us.” Michelle laid a gentle hand on Carlos cheek for a moment, watching as he hiccupped a little, before leaving them. Carlos looked in the bag of clothes, finding TK’s massive yellow hoodie inside. He remembered mentioning to Michelle that the last time TK went away, Carlos stole the hoodie and slept in it for three days, the comfort of TK’s smell around him. He robotically changed, not even caring that Owen was watching him, exhaustion and stress starting to take its toll on him. Owen gathered the abandoned uniform from the floor, tucking it into the plastic bag and tying the top; he’d give it to Michelle to deal with later, sure that she’d help out by cleaning it and making sure it was all good to go. He led Carlos out of the bathroom and back to the waiting room. Judd and Grace were already there waiting, having relieved Marjan, Paul and Mateo. Carlos had no idea how long he’d been in the bathroom, but he felt wrung out and exhausted, the afternoon taking it’s toll on him. He allowed himself to be ushered into a seat, a coffee handed to him, Grace and Judd watching him carefully. Judd placed a hand on his knee, a warm beacon of strength.

_Carlos felt like he was drowning._

“I’ve been there,” said Judd quietly. Carlos looked up, eyes rimmed red, eyebrow raised. “I felt like that after we lost the original 126. Like I was lost at sea, just a small nobody that even God didn’t want to sacrifice for someone else. That I wasn’t meant to stick around, because I was causing everyone so much pain and sufferin’, because seein’ me was like a knife through the heart. I got close one night, sitting on my back porch, looking at the bottle in front of me and wondering if I could just… drink away my existence.”

“How did you come back from that?” asked Carlos, voice husky.

“Captain Strand pulled me out of it, but it was mostly Gracie here that saved my life. She stood by me, reminding me that there is so much good I can still do in the world, that I am worth something, to everyone, and that she needs me too,” explained Judd, his other hand gripping his wife’s tightly.

“It can be so hard Carlos. I’m not going to sugar coat it or anything, it was almost excruciating to watch my husband have to suffer through that, but I made sure I stayed for him, to be his anchor in the storm as he struggled. TK isn’t going to be cured overnight, or even in a week, but he will eventually learn how to recognise his symptoms and ask for the help he needs. You have to remember that none of this is your fault,” reminded Grace. Michelle handed Carlos a coffee and a pack of tissues, taking a seat across from him.

“Mental health can be hard Carlos. You know that from the force, I know it from all my training as a paramedic. But it doesn’t mean that it’s impossible,” she said quietly. A doctor entered the room, the entire group turning to face them, holding their breath for a moment.

“Family of Tyler Strand?” asked the doctor, glancing at his clipboard. Owen raised his hand, and the doctor crossed the room, pulling up a seat.

“How’s he doing doc?” asked Owen, looking like a bundle of nervous energy.

“First off, he’s alive.” The entire group breathed a sigh of relief, Carlos collapsing over his knees.

“Thank the Lord,” breathed Grace.

“He’s not damaged any muscles or organs, and the cut was very clean. We’re no longer considering it suicide attempt, given the information you provided earlier of the previous callout, and the remnants of metal found in the wound. We do hold psychological concerns given the amount of blood reported at the scene, and the volume we calculated was lost, as well as the evidence of previous self-harm. I can see that there’s a note on here about an accidental overdose, and that he’s also a recovering alcoholic. Keeping that in mind, we are going to require Tyler-”

“TK,” supplied Owen. The doctor made a note on the clipboard.

“We are going to require TK attends some sort of therapy, as it’s clear he needs psychological support. Given how he was located, we’re also recommending the same for those close to him, to provide them with support to be able to help TK. For now, he’ll be in the hospital for a few days at least, and given his status as first responder, we’re going to bend the visitation rules to allow more people to see him. TK needs to know he’s supported through this, not abandoned,” explained the doctor.

“Can we see him?” asked Owen.

“Of course, let me take you up now,” offered the doctor. He stood up, and Owen and Judd joined him. Carlos remained seated, hands clasped in front of him.

“Are you coming Carlos?” Judd asked.

“I-I can’t. Not yet. I’m sorry. Please tell TK I’m not mad, I just… I need a moment,” answered Carlos.

“I’ll stay with him if you two want to go up and see him?” offered Grace.

“I’ll head out, I’ve got your uniform Carlos, I’ll get it cleaned up for you.” Michelle stood up, picking up the plastic bag, and laid a hand on Carlos’ arm. “Call me if you need me.” Carlos barely acknowledged her as she left, looking at his hands, clenching them into fists.

“I’ve got him. You two go,” said Grace quietly. Judd and Owen glanced at Carlos, before walking away, following the doctor. “Carlos? What’s going through your head?” asked Grace. Carlos looked up at Grace, tears running down his face, trying to swipe them away.

“I’m sorry,” he choked.

“It’s okay. It’s been a hard day for everyone, but it’s been the hardest for you. You were the one that found him, that had to keep him alive until EMS arrived, to feel his heartbeat under your fingers. It’s terrifying, I can understand that, but you need to see him. To see with your own eyes that he’s okay, that he hasn’t lost the battle or the will to keep going,” said Grace reassuringly. Carlos allowed himself to be embraced by the smaller woman, before pulling away, sniffling a bit.

“I need to see TK,” he said quietly. Grace stood up, taking his hand and pulling him to his feet.

“Then let’s go see your boy.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Carlos' thoughts, a bookend to the first chapter which was TK's thoughts against a song. Song is Fall For You by We Three - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i871be_tRCM

Now don't you think that you're helpless

_TK was his everything._

Or think that you're hopeless

_He was smart, funny, kind, caring._

Or that I don't need you

_Carlos needed him like he needed air to breathe._

No baby you should never doubt the way you are

_TK was perfection, wrapped up in the perfect package_

Or never love me from afar like you feel you need to

_But he always felt like TK was holding himself away, keeping a part of himself hidden from Carlos._

I know that I come on too strong

_He knew he’d come on too fast, that day they’d hooked up on his lounge during the day._

Baby, when I think you're wrong

_He fumbled for a second, wondering how on earth he’d been blessed with this Adonis of a man in front of him._

Even when I know you're right I still want to fight

_And then he drove him away by putting his own foot in his mouth and making him a dinner he clearly didn’t want._

So I'm gonna love you

_But he still fell head over heels in love for this boy._

Like I've never loved anyone before

_He’d sworn he’d never fall like this for anyone, that he’d always try to keep some space between him and a significant other, to grow and learn together._

'Cause I know that you could get so much more

_He was terrified of losing him, now that his heart had been stolen by TK._

And leave me behind

_And he didn’t know if he would survive if TK left him._

So I'm gonna love you

_So he continued trying to get in his good graces._

And pray that I always wake up to see

_“You know I'm holding a dart.” “And I'm packing a piece.”_

See your body laying next to me

_Waking up in the morning next to TK, after a night of snuggling together and whispering sweet nothings._

Wearing one of my tees

_He was forever stealing TK’s hoodies, enjoying the smell of TK and the reminder they gave him._

Why'd you to go make me fall, fall so hard for you

_He didn’t remember falling this hard for anyone, but now, he didn’t care._

And you're feeling shame

_He never wanted TK to feel the way Alex made him feel, like he was worthless, another warm body to keep in his bed._

Baby, just when you start to shine

_Because TK was worth so much more than that._

You feel that you've crossed some sort of line

_If only he could make TK see that he was worth something to everyone._

But baby, you don't need to

_But sometimes “love” can make you blind._

So I'm gonna love you

_So Carlos would keep loving him._

Like I've never loved anyone before

_Would jump in front of a bullet for him, to make sure he never had to suffer again._

'Cause I know that you could get so much more

_And even then, if TK ever left, because he found someone else, something better._

And leave me behind

_Carlos would still try to give him the moon._

So I'm gonna love you

_He would pour his heart out to TK, try and make him see._

And pray that I always wake up to see

_He wanted to spend every day with TK, for the rest of his life._

See your body laying next to me, under the sheets

_Even when they were old and grey._

Why'd you to go make me fall, fall so hard

_TK would have his heart forever._

Why'd you to go make me fall, fall so hard

_But did he have TK’s heart as well?_

Why'd you to go make me fall, fall so hard for you

_“Tyler Kennedy, I love you. All of you, no matter what happens or how you’re feeling. I love you so much.”_


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tag ending, explaining what's going on in TK's head. Carlos' finds his heart breaking as he hears TK's story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mentions of rape/assault. 
> 
> This chapter is for jaguarspot, just because.

TK was slow to wake up. Head full of cotton wool, eyes like lead, his whole body ached. He could feel every stitch in him, every needle, every tug of flesh as he struggled to consciousness.

“Hey TK, you’re okay, just take your time,” said a familiar, warm voice, a hint of Latino behind each word.

_Carlos._

TK fought harder to wake up, to force his eyes open. The light stabbed his retinas, and he moaned at the sharp pain in his head, lifting a heavy hand to his temple.

“Hold on _corazón_ , let me dim the lights. Try that now.” TK tried again, turning his head to the direction of the voice he always dreamed about.

“Carlos?” he rasped, throat dry. Carlos offered him a plastic tumbler full of water, a straw poking out the end. He carefully guided it to TK’s lips, and he took a slow sip, savouring the sweetness. He pulled away after a moment, sated, and look at Carlos, taking in the bags under his eyes, the shadow across his cheeks and chin where he clearly hadn’t shaved for at least a few days. Carlos looked at him with such warmth and adoration and… and _love_. TK felt his eyes fill with tears, wishing this moment didn’t have to end, that Carlos wouldn’t abandon him. The pain built up inside him, tremors shaking his heart, his soul aching as the memories flooded through him.

“Hey, Tiger, come back down to earth. What’s going on?” asked Carlos.

“You’re going to leave,” said TK, struggling to catch his breath. Carlos laid a hand on TK’s chest, taking one of TK’s hand and mirroring the gesture on himself.

“Follow my breathing. Okay? Just focus on that for a moment, don’t worry about anything else,” replied Carlos. As the minutes ticked by, Carlos felt the tension flow out of TK, breaths coming a little easier. Carlos sat on the edge of TK’s bed, moving his hand from his chest and just holding TK’s hand in his own. “I can promise you, 100%, that I am not going anywhere. I’ve been here for three days already, and I’m not about to change that. What makes you think I’m going to leave?” asked Carlos gently. TK averted his eyes, and Carlos put a gentle hand under TK’s chin to lift his head, gazing into his eyes. TK could see no judgment behind them, just concern and worry for someone he cared about.

“I’m going to tell you something, but I need you to listen as a friend right now, and be a police officer later. Is that… is that okay?” asked TK.

“Of course TK,” answered Carlos, so quick and so sure that TK trusted him.

_He always trusted Carlos._

“Back in New York, the night I asked Alex to marry me?” Carlos smoothed his hand over TK’s cheek, wiping away the stray tear that had started its weary trail down his skin.

“Mmm?” prompted Carlos. 

“I walked out of the restaurant. Alex didn’t even try to follow me, he just let me go. I was so upset, I… I couldn’t see straight, I was sobbing so hard. I didn’t hear the footsteps behind me, didn’t hear the laughter, the sniggering, the clink of beer bottles,” said TK, looking down and fiddling with a loose thread on his blanket. Carlos sucked in a breath, almost certain where TK was going with the story and not liking the possible plot twist. “I remember my shoulder being grabbed, being shoved against the wall, pinned, someone’s arm across my neck. I… I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t call out for help. Someone unbuttoned my pants-”

_No, please, don't say it._

“Stop. TK. Please,” begged Carlos. TK ploughed on, clearly so lost in the memory that he couldn’t hear Carlos anymore.

“My pants were around my ankles, and people were touch me, feeling me, doing things I didn’t want. I know I was turned around, shoved against the wall, hands-” Carlos placed a hand over TK’s mouth, his own eyes shining with tears.

“Tyler, I am so sorry that happened to you,” said Carlos, voice cracking.

“I was self-harming after that, after the overdose, but when I moved to Austin, I stopped. I met you, I started to find the colour in my world, the meaning, the reason to live,” explained TK, voice shaking a little.

“What happened on the callout?” asked Carlos steadily, trying to piece together the whole story in his head.

“On of our patients was large. Combative. He hit Mateo, and pushed me against the wall. He had a knife,” said TK quietly, and Carlos was sure he could hear the shame in TK’s tone.

_Shame over something he had no control over._

“You were triggered, and you tried to escape, and that’s how you ended up with the cut on your thigh,” finished Carlos, looking down and their intertwined hands. TK nodded, and after a few moments, Carlos looked up, seeing TK’s shoulders shake with suppressed sobs, clearly trying not to break down in front of Carlos.

“Oh _corazón_ ,” said Carlos, feeling his own heart break. He slid TK sideways on the bed, before climbing up next to him, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him close to his chest, a caring hand on the back of his head, as TK finally let his walls crumble. Carlos let TK clutch to his chest, barely making out the words through the fresh wave of tears, feeling his own face heat up and tears prickle in his own eyes, the thought of anyone wanting to hurt TK send daggers through his own heart. He laid there, holding TK for what felt like hours, feeling him go lax after a while, realising he’d fallen asleep. Carlos kept running his fingers through TK’s hair, rubbing his scalp gently, calming him each time he looked like he was frowning in his sleep.

_God, he was so in love with this boy._

Owen Strand watched the two boys from the doorway, arms folded, seeing for the first time the full scope of the love and adoration Carlos had for TK, how much he really did wear his heart on his sleeve. He smiled at the two of them, Carlos supporting Owen’s son through the emotional storm, an anchor to remind him of the good in the world, that was there for him. It was something Owen hadn’t been able to do after Alex, hadn’t been able to quite pull his son all the way back from the brink, but Carlos? Carlos was a miracle worker, and he’d managed to bring TK back to him when he couldn’t even do that himself. For that, he’d never be able to find the right words to say thank you, to show his gratitude, to repay his kindness and love. Carlos noticed Owen in the doorway, and moved to get up, Owen raising a hand to placate him.

“No, please, stay there. It looks like it’s the first time he’s slept well in a really long time,” admitted Owen. He crossed the room, taking the seat that Carlos had vacated earlier.

“He told me,” said Carlo, letting his head fall back against TK’s pillows.

“Told you what?”

“What happened. He was triggered by today’s callout, it set off some memories of… an incident in New York,” answered Carlos, unsure of how much to tell Owen, not wanting to break TK’s trust. Owen bowed his head, exhaling softly, before looking up at him.

“Something happened after the dinner with Alex, right?” Carlos frowned a little, his eyebrows drawn.

“How did you know?”

“Because when we busted in his door that morning to find out what had happened, and I’d started CPR, I noticed the bruising on TK’s neck and collarbone. He didn’t have that at the callout the day before, and nothing had happened while we were on call to cause the bruising, so my only assumptions available were that either Alex did it, or something happened afterwards. He opened up to me about Alex, the breakup, and the oxy overdose, but he never mentioned the bruising, and I didn’t want to push. I already felt like I’d lost him,” explained Owen, heart heavy.

“I’ve got him now sir, I promise. I’m not going anywhere,” said Carlos solemnly. Owen put a hand on Carlos’ leg, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“I believe you son, and I think that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to TK. I thank whomever is listening that they gave him the opportunity to meet you when we came to Austin.” Carlos felt his heart warm at the kind words of Owen, and he blushed a little.

“He’s one of a kind, and I only hope that I can be what he needs to survive, to remember how to love and be the TK I know and already love.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on tumblr and harass me to write more - @AliceSchuyler


End file.
